My Wonderland?

My wallet was stolen on the subway on Sunday, which I feel is the city's way of finally opening it's arms to me and allowing me to experience every part of it. And I'm soaking it all in.

That's not how I felt on Sunday though.

I seriously have been in one of those moods lately where everything is out to get me, even though it really might not be. It's not that I have trouble remembering the good things in life - it's that I literally feel like I can't. But now I'm getting over it. I'm starting to remember the good things. And here it is, sports fans, the grand conclusion from the awful few days that resulted from the wallet thievery: Something a lot worse needed to happen to me, so I could remember that it's not that I couldn't see the good things - it's that I refused to.

So over the past four days, I've compiled a short, simple list of the good things that happened only since the incident, so I could remind myself how often they come into my life. Here's what I got so far: rhino, pizza with extra cheese, fudge coated Oreos, having somewhere to go when I woke up scared, being described as "kick ass," long distance pillow hugs, in-person Texan hugs, and my mom.

My blog is very self-centered and I feel very involved in myself when I'm writing it, but isn't that actually the point of it? I write to share what I'm thinking. I write to have a voice. Really, I write mostly for myself. I create my art for myself. And something inside tells me that all artists are a bit selfish. I mean, you have to do it for yourself. If you always do it for other people, you'll never feel good enough. You'll absolutely never measure up. If there's no part of you doing it for yourself, you'll never feel pride. Excessive pride is a sin, but deserved pride - I think that's allowed. I'll track my growth through this blog. One day, when I'm forty, I'll look back on it and think "Wow, I was lame." Hopefully by then I can rewrite some of this stuff into a book of memoirs.

So overall, I'd say thanks, New York, for being one of my Wonderlands. And thanks, if you read this or read my blog at all, for traveling for a bit into my nonsensical world as a struggle to figure it all out. And I welcome you to share your journey with me as well. After all, I hate it when it's all about me. Especially since about half the time, I have no idea what's going on.

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

Feeling Angsty?

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

Create art.

Dizzying Lifestyles?

I was right. It has gotten easier to live here and I realized I'm really going to miss it when I have to leave. But those 10 or so days I'll be spending in the good ol' 610 seem like a beacon of light between city living and junior year.

I love so easily. That's not to say that I fall in love easily, but I think that I allow myself to be open to a new experience when I approach it, whether it be big or small. I am passionate about things very quickly; I'm passionate about people very quickly. I love easily. I'm so incredibly busy lately that I feel like I'm in a bad mood more times than I'm not. And it takes a single moment then to realize how lucky I am to be doing what I love in a place I love and be supported by people I love. I love so easily.

I'm taking a slight break from New York tomorrow and I'm going to visit Annie in Jersey. I'm really excited to see her again because I'm never in a bad mood around Annie. She's wonderful and I'm really excited to do "outside" things with her. Mini-hikes, possible kayaking, a little beach-tripping, all things I'm very excited for. Plus, I'm really excited to meet her friends. It was cool when she came to visit me with Jamie in the winter because it's like...worlds colliding. I'm excited to be at a different perspective in that situation.

Some guy at Barnes and Noble today told me that by the way I recommended books and authors, you could tell I was a writer. I took that as a compliment. Then he told me I was wasting my time working at Barnes and Noble. I wanted to tell him that in order to be a writer I have to eat every couple days and Barnes and Noble was a perfect place for me to gain cash flow in order to consume a meal. But instead I just politely nodded and laughed. "Well, it's a summer job for me, so we'll see." He worked for the UN.

Another man, he said he was about mid-80s, was a professor of some sort at UCLA and he was visiting for the weekend. He told me that I gave off some sort of good vibe about the way I presented myself or was attentive to detail or something. I took that as a compliment too. He reassured me by telling me that it was. Another man would only accept help from me and not from the other kid I was working with, yelling at him and telling him that he only accepted help from "people like her kind" while pointing at me. That was not a compliment and that guy was awful. I didn't stick around long enough to find out what that meant.

I met a wide variety of people at Barnes and Noble. I think the time I am most aware of people's personalities and how I am reacting with them is when I have to meet a lot of new people at once. They're all good people. I absolutely love the people that work on my floor. Some people I'm not all that fond of, but I appreciate everything I'm learning from this job and the people in it. It's really something else.

Holy random tangents, Batman! My mind is so frazzled lately, I'm not surprised that this blog post is all out of whack.