Where Am I?

Your life flips upside down immediately. And all of a sudden you're running to Union Square to catch the 4 train in time to get to Port Authority so you can be on the 6:50 bus back to Pennsylvania. Rushed and panicked. Rushing, panicking, rushing, panicking. To spend a weekend at home waiting and panicked. Waiting, panicking, waiting panicking.

I think the weirdest thing was how much it changed everyone. And how different people reacted. I do remember the last time that I was this overwhelmed. And this time I handled it better. I've grown in the past couple months and I'm fixing things. And that's good. And the thing is, I didn't need this to realize that I have. In fact, as a believer in "everything happens for a reason," I am really struggling to see why this is happening. I can't find a single reason in the world, but maybe that will all come later.

I do see myself handling life better than I thought I could in the past few weeks. I am still a sucker for my old habits (one in particular), and keep falling back into same routines. But although I'm in those routines, I see them differently now and I live them differently. More aware of which things I need and which things I want and of the things I have fabricated and the things that are true, I am stronger about this. And my habit seems to be the one that's lost in our tangled, twisted web.

Being home this weekend, I realized how easy it is for me to be home. I really had no idea how emotionally draining living in the city was, but I am fighting through. There's a constant stress lingering in the background of even my most relaxing activities. A stress of having to take care of myself on my own. And being here in Berks County is just so easy for me. Living is easy. I by no means am claiming that immediately life's troubles go away and that no one here is ever stressed or upset, but my life is just easier. It's easier to spend every night during the summer jumping from one friend's basement to the next. It's easy to see the people you hung out with in high school and have very few things change between you. And, Lord knows, it's easier to get somewhere when all you have to do is get in the car than if you have to wait for the subways that are all being difficult because of construction. Constant stress.

But you know what? Once I'm back there, it'll be easier again. And eventually it will become more routine and lifestyle-like. Once that happens, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to take on a lot more than I could've two months ago. Before the strength, before the courage, before the breakdown.

Everything is looking a little more optimistic in Berks County. And I have faith.