"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."
Create art.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Dizzying Lifestyles?
I was right. It has gotten easier to live here and I realized I'm really going to miss it when I have to leave. But those 10 or so days I'll be spending in the good ol' 610 seem like a beacon of light between city living and junior year.
I love so easily. That's not to say that I fall in love easily, but I think that I allow myself to be open to a new experience when I approach it, whether it be big or small. I am passionate about things very quickly; I'm passionate about people very quickly. I love easily. I'm so incredibly busy lately that I feel like I'm in a bad mood more times than I'm not. And it takes a single moment then to realize how lucky I am to be doing what I love in a place I love and be supported by people I love. I love so easily.
I'm taking a slight break from New York tomorrow and I'm going to visit Annie in Jersey. I'm really excited to see her again because I'm never in a bad mood around Annie. She's wonderful and I'm really excited to do "outside" things with her. Mini-hikes, possible kayaking, a little beach-tripping, all things I'm very excited for. Plus, I'm really excited to meet her friends. It was cool when she came to visit me with Jamie in the winter because it's like...worlds colliding. I'm excited to be at a different perspective in that situation.
Some guy at Barnes and Noble today told me that by the way I recommended books and authors, you could tell I was a writer. I took that as a compliment. Then he told me I was wasting my time working at Barnes and Noble. I wanted to tell him that in order to be a writer I have to eat every couple days and Barnes and Noble was a perfect place for me to gain cash flow in order to consume a meal. But instead I just politely nodded and laughed. "Well, it's a summer job for me, so we'll see." He worked for the UN.
Another man, he said he was about mid-80s, was a professor of some sort at UCLA and he was visiting for the weekend. He told me that I gave off some sort of good vibe about the way I presented myself or was attentive to detail or something. I took that as a compliment too. He reassured me by telling me that it was. Another man would only accept help from me and not from the other kid I was working with, yelling at him and telling him that he only accepted help from "people like her kind" while pointing at me. That was not a compliment and that guy was awful. I didn't stick around long enough to find out what that meant.
I met a wide variety of people at Barnes and Noble. I think the time I am most aware of people's personalities and how I am reacting with them is when I have to meet a lot of new people at once. They're all good people. I absolutely love the people that work on my floor. Some people I'm not all that fond of, but I appreciate everything I'm learning from this job and the people in it. It's really something else.
Holy random tangents, Batman! My mind is so frazzled lately, I'm not surprised that this blog post is all out of whack.
I love so easily. That's not to say that I fall in love easily, but I think that I allow myself to be open to a new experience when I approach it, whether it be big or small. I am passionate about things very quickly; I'm passionate about people very quickly. I love easily. I'm so incredibly busy lately that I feel like I'm in a bad mood more times than I'm not. And it takes a single moment then to realize how lucky I am to be doing what I love in a place I love and be supported by people I love. I love so easily.
I'm taking a slight break from New York tomorrow and I'm going to visit Annie in Jersey. I'm really excited to see her again because I'm never in a bad mood around Annie. She's wonderful and I'm really excited to do "outside" things with her. Mini-hikes, possible kayaking, a little beach-tripping, all things I'm very excited for. Plus, I'm really excited to meet her friends. It was cool when she came to visit me with Jamie in the winter because it's like...worlds colliding. I'm excited to be at a different perspective in that situation.
Some guy at Barnes and Noble today told me that by the way I recommended books and authors, you could tell I was a writer. I took that as a compliment. Then he told me I was wasting my time working at Barnes and Noble. I wanted to tell him that in order to be a writer I have to eat every couple days and Barnes and Noble was a perfect place for me to gain cash flow in order to consume a meal. But instead I just politely nodded and laughed. "Well, it's a summer job for me, so we'll see." He worked for the UN.
Another man, he said he was about mid-80s, was a professor of some sort at UCLA and he was visiting for the weekend. He told me that I gave off some sort of good vibe about the way I presented myself or was attentive to detail or something. I took that as a compliment too. He reassured me by telling me that it was. Another man would only accept help from me and not from the other kid I was working with, yelling at him and telling him that he only accepted help from "people like her kind" while pointing at me. That was not a compliment and that guy was awful. I didn't stick around long enough to find out what that meant.
I met a wide variety of people at Barnes and Noble. I think the time I am most aware of people's personalities and how I am reacting with them is when I have to meet a lot of new people at once. They're all good people. I absolutely love the people that work on my floor. Some people I'm not all that fond of, but I appreciate everything I'm learning from this job and the people in it. It's really something else.
Holy random tangents, Batman! My mind is so frazzled lately, I'm not surprised that this blog post is all out of whack.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Where Am I?
Your life flips upside down immediately. And all of a sudden you're running to Union Square to catch the 4 train in time to get to Port Authority so you can be on the 6:50 bus back to Pennsylvania. Rushed and panicked. Rushing, panicking, rushing, panicking. To spend a weekend at home waiting and panicked. Waiting, panicking, waiting panicking.
I think the weirdest thing was how much it changed everyone. And how different people reacted. I do remember the last time that I was this overwhelmed. And this time I handled it better. I've grown in the past couple months and I'm fixing things. And that's good. And the thing is, I didn't need this to realize that I have. In fact, as a believer in "everything happens for a reason," I am really struggling to see why this is happening. I can't find a single reason in the world, but maybe that will all come later.
I do see myself handling life better than I thought I could in the past few weeks. I am still a sucker for my old habits (one in particular), and keep falling back into same routines. But although I'm in those routines, I see them differently now and I live them differently. More aware of which things I need and which things I want and of the things I have fabricated and the things that are true, I am stronger about this. And my habit seems to be the one that's lost in our tangled, twisted web.
Being home this weekend, I realized how easy it is for me to be home. I really had no idea how emotionally draining living in the city was, but I am fighting through. There's a constant stress lingering in the background of even my most relaxing activities. A stress of having to take care of myself on my own. And being here in Berks County is just so easy for me. Living is easy. I by no means am claiming that immediately life's troubles go away and that no one here is ever stressed or upset, but my life is just easier. It's easier to spend every night during the summer jumping from one friend's basement to the next. It's easy to see the people you hung out with in high school and have very few things change between you. And, Lord knows, it's easier to get somewhere when all you have to do is get in the car than if you have to wait for the subways that are all being difficult because of construction. Constant stress.
But you know what? Once I'm back there, it'll be easier again. And eventually it will become more routine and lifestyle-like. Once that happens, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to take on a lot more than I could've two months ago. Before the strength, before the courage, before the breakdown.
Everything is looking a little more optimistic in Berks County. And I have faith.
I think the weirdest thing was how much it changed everyone. And how different people reacted. I do remember the last time that I was this overwhelmed. And this time I handled it better. I've grown in the past couple months and I'm fixing things. And that's good. And the thing is, I didn't need this to realize that I have. In fact, as a believer in "everything happens for a reason," I am really struggling to see why this is happening. I can't find a single reason in the world, but maybe that will all come later.
I do see myself handling life better than I thought I could in the past few weeks. I am still a sucker for my old habits (one in particular), and keep falling back into same routines. But although I'm in those routines, I see them differently now and I live them differently. More aware of which things I need and which things I want and of the things I have fabricated and the things that are true, I am stronger about this. And my habit seems to be the one that's lost in our tangled, twisted web.
Being home this weekend, I realized how easy it is for me to be home. I really had no idea how emotionally draining living in the city was, but I am fighting through. There's a constant stress lingering in the background of even my most relaxing activities. A stress of having to take care of myself on my own. And being here in Berks County is just so easy for me. Living is easy. I by no means am claiming that immediately life's troubles go away and that no one here is ever stressed or upset, but my life is just easier. It's easier to spend every night during the summer jumping from one friend's basement to the next. It's easy to see the people you hung out with in high school and have very few things change between you. And, Lord knows, it's easier to get somewhere when all you have to do is get in the car than if you have to wait for the subways that are all being difficult because of construction. Constant stress.
But you know what? Once I'm back there, it'll be easier again. And eventually it will become more routine and lifestyle-like. Once that happens, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to take on a lot more than I could've two months ago. Before the strength, before the courage, before the breakdown.
Everything is looking a little more optimistic in Berks County. And I have faith.
Friday, May 14, 2010
New Adventures?
The first time I went to New York City that I can remember distinctly, I was ten years old. My mom and I saw Les Mis. As I walked out of the theater holding my mom's hand she said to me "So, Al, what did you think?" I know now that my mom was so nervous to take me to see Les Mis in general, but also as my first Broadway experience. I looked up at her, smiled, and said "This is what I want to do when I grow up."
For the next eight years, I thought that day was a significant point in my acting career, like one of those moments you see people reflecting back on during interviews on E! News. I remembering auditioning for everything I could, falling in love with every aspect of performing. I remember telling my mom that I wanted to be a drama major in college and she told me that if I was going to do that, she would prefer that I double majored in something else too. I remember thinking that I liked to write, but didn't want to be a novelist. I remember taking a journalism class to see if it was something I'd consider for my double major. I remember auditioning at Muhlenberg College for the drama program. I remember the head of the theater department praising me for 20 minutes after the audition and taking down my name and email address so he could pull my application out of the pile when it came in to request that I be in his program. I remember being set on being a theater/communications double major at Muhlenberg College. I remember choosing Syracuse. I remember being a broadcast journalism major. I remember deciding one day in October of freshman year in COM 107 that I wanted to write for magazines. I remember meeting Greg Hedges and loving graphic design. I remember being so content in my choice to be a magazine journalist that I can't even imagine doing anything else. I remember Bill Glavin passing away and being heartbroken. I remember everything Bill Glavin taught me.
As I sit here and remember how I got to where I am right now, halfway through college and sitting in a living room full of my belongings sorted into "Brooklyn" and "William Street" piles, I wonder how I got here. I remember everything happening, but I'm not sure how it all happened. I have no idea how I got here. I have no idea what I'm doing actually, but I do know that tomorrow I am moving to New York City for the summer. And that scares the hell out of me.
I realize that day in New York with my mom opened my eyes to the city as a whole, not just theater. I remember walking around with her and never looking down. I remember riding the carousel in Central Park with my Aunt Jean. I remember how Aunt Jean always inspired me. She was the performer of the family - everyone said I was "just like Jeanie" all the time. I remember when I was little and I told her that I wanted to live in the city forever when I grew up. I remember her telling me that I could do whatever I wanted and me actually believing her when she said it. I remember the night in December when the phone woke me up and I heard my mom say, "Alright, I'll be right there" and knowing what it meant somehow. I remember being at the funeral and somehow knowing that she would always be there with me, not in the way I felt about everyone who I love that passed away, but some sort of strong, spiritual connection.
And as I embark on this new adventure this summer, I know that I'm taking her spirit with me. I know that I have some of her same brave spirit, and that although I might not know how to use it quite like she did, I'll learn. I know that all those choices I made somehow led me here, and they wouldn't have if this wasn't what was meant for me. I built this for myself and I'm ready to take on the challenges that are thrown at me.
And I'm more excited than afraid.
For the next eight years, I thought that day was a significant point in my acting career, like one of those moments you see people reflecting back on during interviews on E! News. I remembering auditioning for everything I could, falling in love with every aspect of performing. I remember telling my mom that I wanted to be a drama major in college and she told me that if I was going to do that, she would prefer that I double majored in something else too. I remember thinking that I liked to write, but didn't want to be a novelist. I remember taking a journalism class to see if it was something I'd consider for my double major. I remember auditioning at Muhlenberg College for the drama program. I remember the head of the theater department praising me for 20 minutes after the audition and taking down my name and email address so he could pull my application out of the pile when it came in to request that I be in his program. I remember being set on being a theater/communications double major at Muhlenberg College. I remember choosing Syracuse. I remember being a broadcast journalism major. I remember deciding one day in October of freshman year in COM 107 that I wanted to write for magazines. I remember meeting Greg Hedges and loving graphic design. I remember being so content in my choice to be a magazine journalist that I can't even imagine doing anything else. I remember Bill Glavin passing away and being heartbroken. I remember everything Bill Glavin taught me.
As I sit here and remember how I got to where I am right now, halfway through college and sitting in a living room full of my belongings sorted into "Brooklyn" and "William Street" piles, I wonder how I got here. I remember everything happening, but I'm not sure how it all happened. I have no idea how I got here. I have no idea what I'm doing actually, but I do know that tomorrow I am moving to New York City for the summer. And that scares the hell out of me.
I realize that day in New York with my mom opened my eyes to the city as a whole, not just theater. I remember walking around with her and never looking down. I remember riding the carousel in Central Park with my Aunt Jean. I remember how Aunt Jean always inspired me. She was the performer of the family - everyone said I was "just like Jeanie" all the time. I remember when I was little and I told her that I wanted to live in the city forever when I grew up. I remember her telling me that I could do whatever I wanted and me actually believing her when she said it. I remember the night in December when the phone woke me up and I heard my mom say, "Alright, I'll be right there" and knowing what it meant somehow. I remember being at the funeral and somehow knowing that she would always be there with me, not in the way I felt about everyone who I love that passed away, but some sort of strong, spiritual connection.
And as I embark on this new adventure this summer, I know that I'm taking her spirit with me. I know that I have some of her same brave spirit, and that although I might not know how to use it quite like she did, I'll learn. I know that all those choices I made somehow led me here, and they wouldn't have if this wasn't what was meant for me. I built this for myself and I'm ready to take on the challenges that are thrown at me.
And I'm more excited than afraid.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Fault?
"They say the best men are molded out of faults, and, for the most, became much more the better for being a little bad."
We're not all perfect; we're not all angels. And that's okay.
Even Shakespeare said that it was okay - and he knows what's up.
Yesterday at lunch, my usual lunch crew was sitting around a table. During a brief lull in the conversation, my friend turned to me and said, "So, Ali, what embarrassing things happened to you already this morning?" We all laughed, as I am notorious for my embarrassing stories. As soon as everyone stopped laughing she looked at me and said, "No really, I'm serious."
I embarrass myself often, and she had every right to suspect that by 12:30 lunch, I already had three embarrassing stories to tell for the day. And the more I think about it, the more I like to think of myself as charming as opposed to embarrassing. I mean, it may not be entirely true, but it gets me through the day. Everyone embarrasses themselves, but I just kind of blow off embarrassing situations. It takes a lot to actual kill my ego from embarrassment. Not that my ego is big, I just know that I'm human. Jason Mraz fell off the stage yesterday. He ripped his pants in front of the crowd. He wrote a hysterical blog entry about it. His attitude about it was to just smile and wave. He knew that it wasn't a huge deal. He knows that he's human.
We all make mistakes. We all have some sort of regret. We all have things sometimes we look back on thinking "Oh, dear, I wish that never happened." But do we really wish that never happened? After all, we're better people for having been a little bad. Yeah, there's sin, pain, heartbreak, mistake, imperfection, or whatever other words you can think of, but there are also lessons. There is also forgiveness. And I find that by embracing mistakes, imperfections, sins, and heartbreak, I am happier. I mean we all change and grow. If you only have wonderful experiences, do we really ever learn? Can you name anyone in your life that only has good experiences, who only ever does good? It's not human nature. And for the millionth time, I will remind you all: We are all just human.
Is it easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I think so. I'm not encouraging everyone to go out and commit felonies, but I am encouraging self-forgiveness. If you mess up, go easy on yourselves. Allow yourselves to live and embrace being human.
We're not all perfect; we're not all angels. And that's okay.
Even Shakespeare said that it was okay - and he knows what's up.
Yesterday at lunch, my usual lunch crew was sitting around a table. During a brief lull in the conversation, my friend turned to me and said, "So, Ali, what embarrassing things happened to you already this morning?" We all laughed, as I am notorious for my embarrassing stories. As soon as everyone stopped laughing she looked at me and said, "No really, I'm serious."
I embarrass myself often, and she had every right to suspect that by 12:30 lunch, I already had three embarrassing stories to tell for the day. And the more I think about it, the more I like to think of myself as charming as opposed to embarrassing. I mean, it may not be entirely true, but it gets me through the day. Everyone embarrasses themselves, but I just kind of blow off embarrassing situations. It takes a lot to actual kill my ego from embarrassment. Not that my ego is big, I just know that I'm human. Jason Mraz fell off the stage yesterday. He ripped his pants in front of the crowd. He wrote a hysterical blog entry about it. His attitude about it was to just smile and wave. He knew that it wasn't a huge deal. He knows that he's human.
We all make mistakes. We all have some sort of regret. We all have things sometimes we look back on thinking "Oh, dear, I wish that never happened." But do we really wish that never happened? After all, we're better people for having been a little bad. Yeah, there's sin, pain, heartbreak, mistake, imperfection, or whatever other words you can think of, but there are also lessons. There is also forgiveness. And I find that by embracing mistakes, imperfections, sins, and heartbreak, I am happier. I mean we all change and grow. If you only have wonderful experiences, do we really ever learn? Can you name anyone in your life that only has good experiences, who only ever does good? It's not human nature. And for the millionth time, I will remind you all: We are all just human.
Is it easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I think so. I'm not encouraging everyone to go out and commit felonies, but I am encouraging self-forgiveness. If you mess up, go easy on yourselves. Allow yourselves to live and embrace being human.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Sunshine?
"This city's made us crazy and we must get out."
80 degrees one day, snowing the next day. Welcome to Syracuse, NY.
The unpredictable weather has a way of making stressful situations worse than they are. I spent the entire day in the library the other day. When I walked out of my room in the morning, it was hot and sunny - no sign of rain, none in the forecast for the next two days. I left the library about 12 hours later and encountered the pouring rain. To my dismay, I lacked both a jacket and an umbrella. That was the last thing I needed.
The unpredictable weather has a way of making life a little better. I stood in the rain the very next day and looked toward the sky and laughed. I let it wash away everything I was worrying about for just that single moment. Sweet cliché, Ali. It's true though. I felt lighter.
This time of year is stressful for everyone. There is just so much to do and certainly not enough time to do it. I always think the spring semester ends more stressfully (did I make that word up? I'm pretty sure I did) than the fall semester. I'll tell you how we survive it in Syracuse: the sunshine. Seriously, we let sunny days control us up here. My piles of homework watch me from my dorm room window as my friends and I spend time just being outside, letting the sun just soak into our skin. By the time April comes around, it's been so long since the sun made an appearance in Syracuse that we surrender to it.
I think my energy comes back to life along with the rest of the world during spring. It's amazing how much the weather has an effect on how I look at life. I'm not even one of those people that loves sunshine all that much. To be entirely honest, most times I prefer the rain. But Syracuse gets a little carried away with the precipitation that I am just so thankful to feel that warmth.
For some reason, warm days up here are always good days.
80 degrees one day, snowing the next day. Welcome to Syracuse, NY.
The unpredictable weather has a way of making stressful situations worse than they are. I spent the entire day in the library the other day. When I walked out of my room in the morning, it was hot and sunny - no sign of rain, none in the forecast for the next two days. I left the library about 12 hours later and encountered the pouring rain. To my dismay, I lacked both a jacket and an umbrella. That was the last thing I needed.
The unpredictable weather has a way of making life a little better. I stood in the rain the very next day and looked toward the sky and laughed. I let it wash away everything I was worrying about for just that single moment. Sweet cliché, Ali. It's true though. I felt lighter.
This time of year is stressful for everyone. There is just so much to do and certainly not enough time to do it. I always think the spring semester ends more stressfully (did I make that word up? I'm pretty sure I did) than the fall semester. I'll tell you how we survive it in Syracuse: the sunshine. Seriously, we let sunny days control us up here. My piles of homework watch me from my dorm room window as my friends and I spend time just being outside, letting the sun just soak into our skin. By the time April comes around, it's been so long since the sun made an appearance in Syracuse that we surrender to it.
I think my energy comes back to life along with the rest of the world during spring. It's amazing how much the weather has an effect on how I look at life. I'm not even one of those people that loves sunshine all that much. To be entirely honest, most times I prefer the rain. But Syracuse gets a little carried away with the precipitation that I am just so thankful to feel that warmth.
For some reason, warm days up here are always good days.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Gratitude?
I hear a lot about gratitude every single day. People are always telling me that I should be thankful for what I have because things could be worse. I don't think that that is a good way to look at it at all. Being thankful because there are others in worse positions than I am seems to be an awful way to celebrate life. "I'm grateful because I have great friends and someone else doesn't." Whoa. That's just not sitting well with me.
So I've decided lately that I will be grateful for things as they are. I am grateful for my friends because they are wonderful. And I'm grateful for each and every one of their individual personalities. Every single one of them.
I'm going to be completely honest with you. The blog post about being grateful for good friends is inspired by one friend in particular. So I'm going to focus on that. I have been through a true test of life this week - a test of myself. It's been pretty much a week that I could not handle on my own. And I haven't had to. I'm grateful that I haven't had to handle it on my own.
But most of all, I'm grateful for you. I"m grateful that I was lucky enough to be granted someone who makes me feel worthwhile. I'm so happy that I have someone who can make me smile so easily. I love smiling with you and laughing with you and hugging you. Let's be real for a second: no one's perfect. You're not perfect; I'm not perfect. We both make decisions and choices that our lives would probably be better without. But with us, there's no judgment. There's no lies or sheltering of real feelings. We're open. We're honest. We're real. We're human.
I heard a song today in class that made me think of you. Honestly, it almost moved me to tears because of how much I wanted you to hear these words coming from me. There was not one line that didn't fit.
Thanks for keepin' track of me.
Thanks for givin' a dang about me.
Thanks for sayin' that you love me.
Thanks, just thanks.
Thanks for lettin' me know you care.
Thanks for always bein' there.
Thanks for making me do my share.
Thanks, just thanks.
Can't thank you enough.
I'm high from you liftin' me up.
Thanks for sayin' what you said.
Thanks for clearin' out my head.
Thanks for givin' me hope instead.
Thanks, just thanks.
Can't thank you enough.
I'm high from you liftin' me up.
Thanks, you left me who I was.
Thanks, you showed me what a smile does.
Thanks, you loved me just because.
Thanks, just thanks.
Thanks for cryin' when I bleed.
Thanks for wavin' when I leave.
Thanks for bein' what I believe.
Thanks, just thanks.
I encourage everyone to take a good look at the things around you. Instead of telling you to be grateful for the beauty, for the people, for laughter, for whatever, I'm going to suggest you discover your own things to be grateful for. Let those things catch you off guard. Welcome the surprise.
So I've decided lately that I will be grateful for things as they are. I am grateful for my friends because they are wonderful. And I'm grateful for each and every one of their individual personalities. Every single one of them.
I'm going to be completely honest with you. The blog post about being grateful for good friends is inspired by one friend in particular. So I'm going to focus on that. I have been through a true test of life this week - a test of myself. It's been pretty much a week that I could not handle on my own. And I haven't had to. I'm grateful that I haven't had to handle it on my own.
But most of all, I'm grateful for you. I"m grateful that I was lucky enough to be granted someone who makes me feel worthwhile. I'm so happy that I have someone who can make me smile so easily. I love smiling with you and laughing with you and hugging you. Let's be real for a second: no one's perfect. You're not perfect; I'm not perfect. We both make decisions and choices that our lives would probably be better without. But with us, there's no judgment. There's no lies or sheltering of real feelings. We're open. We're honest. We're real. We're human.
I heard a song today in class that made me think of you. Honestly, it almost moved me to tears because of how much I wanted you to hear these words coming from me. There was not one line that didn't fit.
Thanks for keepin' track of me.
Thanks for givin' a dang about me.
Thanks for sayin' that you love me.
Thanks, just thanks.
Thanks for lettin' me know you care.
Thanks for always bein' there.
Thanks for making me do my share.
Thanks, just thanks.
Can't thank you enough.
I'm high from you liftin' me up.
Thanks for sayin' what you said.
Thanks for clearin' out my head.
Thanks for givin' me hope instead.
Thanks, just thanks.
Can't thank you enough.
I'm high from you liftin' me up.
Thanks, you left me who I was.
Thanks, you showed me what a smile does.
Thanks, you loved me just because.
Thanks, just thanks.
Thanks for cryin' when I bleed.
Thanks for wavin' when I leave.
Thanks for bein' what I believe.
Thanks, just thanks.
I encourage everyone to take a good look at the things around you. Instead of telling you to be grateful for the beauty, for the people, for laughter, for whatever, I'm going to suggest you discover your own things to be grateful for. Let those things catch you off guard. Welcome the surprise.
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